Heads up, PopWatchers! Pump one fist! It is with deepest befuddlement pride and greatest pleasure that I announce the following: Annie Barrett, EW.com’s premier dance-mistress, fringe fairy, gem hunter, and whatever the hell else she’s calling herself these days, has released a Dancing With the Stars-related app for iPhone and iPod Touch! Tiny Bruno, available on iTunes for 99 cents, is lovingly based on the rhapsodic verbal styling of “controversial” judge Bruno Tonioli. Each time you tap Tiny Bruno (you gotta tap that!), he delivers a brand-new compliment generated from an enormous vat of word soup. Prego!
If I know anything about DWTS, it’s the following:
a) I’ll read anything Annie writes about it. (I kinda have to! I’m her editor!)
b) After 11 seasons, it’s safe to say that Bruno’s lively, nonsensical critiques have become their own semi-foreign language.
c) I’m not sure the ninetysomething median age of the DWTS audience is ideal for an app. (That sound you hear is my sister Kathy disowning me.)
and d) Lisa Rinna totally deserved the Mirrorball Trophy in season 2. (Uh-huh, I said it!)
As a not-at-all professional app ranker, I’d like to name Tiny Bruno “The Hidden Gem of the iTunes Store” and raise my paddleboard marked “10? in its honor. Did you hear me? “Tehhhhhhn!”
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Annie promises Tiny Bruno’s vocabulary is so expansive that it is virtually impossible to get the same compliment twice. But by all means, tap Tiny Bruno 75 billion times to find out if she’s lying!
“You were like a distinctive captain of a cruise ship on the event horizon, marinating in your robust flavors. This was so, so, hard. So hard.”
“You were like a breathtaking polyunsaturated phatty acid 20,000 leagues under the cedar planks of the ballroom, sifting through the sands of time. I like parties!”
“You were like an alluring Latin Lover of epic proportions on an haute couture runway, expressing and therefore respecting yourself. It was a quickie but it worked for me!”
“You were like a tasty Marilyn Monroe on the stepping stoned of sexienss, shooting adrenaline into my carbonated artery. It was a quickie but it worked for me!”
“You were like an opportunistic silent movie screen queen at a cheerleading convention, exposing your crown jewels. Adjust your tiara!”
“You were like an inappropriate forklift roaming mercilessly through a festively decorated tiki hut, calling the phone company to make sure you can keep in touch with your desires. She bangs!”
Get the real thing on iTunes. Or, if Apple products don’t rule your world, follow @TinyBruno on Twitter!
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